Playing Catsup
"The moment I stopped allowing money and material things to be my motivation was the moment I began to live."
Alright, so I realize I've been MIA for the past 4 months. You must be wondering how everything is going... Let me put it this way: I'm 5-year-old happy again. Like absolutely, 100% enamored with life, seeing it once again through a child's eyes happy. It wasn't easy.
After I sold all my things and made the trek back into the Midwest, it took me a while before I actually felt that debilitating weight lifted off my shoulders. Two weeks of settling in passed & I was on my way to Colorado to visit my uncle who was dying of cancer. I ended up spending a little over a month and a half there--half of November, all of December, and the first week of January--every moment he would let me, there I was with my uncle, bringing light and support into his life any way I could or knew how. During my time there, I was able to connect with him in a way that I'd never been able to before. We shared stories, we shared silence, we watched old Western movies, we took naps, we laughed, we cried together. The moment that hit me significantly was while I was driving him home after a rehydration session at the cancer center; he looked over and said, "I'm so happy you are here with me." That was all I needed to confirm that I was finally in the right place. That all the muck I had trudged through had spit me out in a place where I was needed and appreciated. The place where my heart was. A place where I was loved.
He passed in the 2nd week of January. Though the holidays I spent there in Colorado were not traditional, a tad ominous, and extremely emotional, I believe them to be some of the best in my life. Not all things that are beautiful are cheerful, carefree and void of adversity. Not only did the respect and unity of my family become stronger, but the spiritual journey I underwent during that trying time was immense and I believe it was a spark that has changed my life. I learned what being grateful really means. Gratitude during times of great pain is the silver lining that will light the way to a place in the sun. It is so important to see the beauty that lies hidden within pain. I learned that fully experiencing pain is the only way to get through it. You can not climb over pain, step around it, or ignore it. You must power through it--let it really soak in and allow yourself to feel it deeply--in order to come out the other side of it with gratitude and with new understanding.
I'm now in Manzanillo, Mexico where I've spent my last 3 months continuing my healing process. I am proud to announce that I have been staying true to my resolutions for this year which were to drink more water, exercise 4x a week, up my capacities through reading more and learning new things, perfect my Spanish, trust in my spontaneity for adventure, and to not get my heart broken too many times. It's a tad early to say for certain my heart is safe from breaking, but it swells more with gratitude and fulfillment every day. I think that with a heart so open and full, it cannot be broken. Instead, I believe through heartache it can be filled even more with greater understanding and wisdom.
As for my spontaneity for adventure, I was scheduled to leave Mexico on March 2nd. I changed my flight to April 2nd due to a series of events that led me to meet an excellent guitarist who I've begun performing with 3-4 times a week at paid gigs around Mexico. I've never been paid to sing before & our demand is high and consistent, thus, I cancelled my April 2nd flight and I now find myself here in Mexico indefinitely until this delightful chapter either comes to an end or grows into something new. I trust that I will know when that times comes. At this moment I know I am in the right place.
I am surrounded right now by many inspirational, intellectual individuals who have brought such joy and love into my life. I fully understand the Law of Attraction and the concept of manifesting my own reality, but up until now I didn't completely grasp the notion that by trusting my instinct and following my soul where it's tendencies lead me would bring me to cross paths with souls that are just like mine. These are people with positive energies who have the same idea about what happiness is, people who are non-superficial who know how to love with an open heart, who know how to both give and receive, who are accepting and nonjudgmental, and are striving for personal growth instead of money or material things. I have a family here. Although I've always been a social butterfly, my entire life I'd felt alone, so different, even alienated at times. But because I was able to recognize my misplaced disposition and discomfort within the 'comfort zone' and was brave enough to step off the path into the unknown, I've finally found my tribe. The moment I stopped allowing money and material things to be my motivation was the moment I began to live.
So as my eyes open again, this time with more clarity of self and of my surroundings, I realize that inspiration and love is everywhere in every thing. The more you begin to look for it the easier it is to find, then it just starts finding you. I'm finding myself frequently overwhelmed with such extreme elation, because I honestly didn't know life could be this sweet.